


I'll look out for you.

by Saysi



Series: For of all the things my hands have held, the best by far is you. [1]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Canon compliant as far as we know so far, Future Fic, Kind of a slow burn, M/M, Mostly Fluff, post-TV show, reunited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-22 18:22:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14314494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saysi/pseuds/Saysi
Summary: Years have passed since Killua and Gon were last in contact, but they've never stopped thinking about each other.A surprise opportunity for a reunion arises, but will things ever be the same?





	1. Invitation x & x Collection

Killua wasn't sure when it was that he'd stopped contacting Gon.

For weeks they had talked on the phone daily, sometimes twice a day. They could spend hours comparing stories, even on a dull day. As time went on they both got busier, settling into their new lives, and eventually they changed to once a week, with text messages in between to keep each other updated. Texts were much easier to work with – they could be replied to at your own pace, rather than dedicating all your attention to the conversation. Eventually it had become just the texts, and they no longer called. Then, nothing.

It was probably his own fault, to be fair. Killua wasn't the best at holding a conversation sometimes, he knew that. Gon had always been the one to make the calls, to excitedly ask if Killua was free to talk (he was always free to talk). Gon had also been the one to hang up, though. No matter how late it got, Killua could never bring himself to end it. He stayed on the line listening to his friend's stories for as long as Gon had them to tell. Even when his eyes refused to stay open, and he could barely manage more than an “uh huh” in response, still he kept that phone to his ear.

Hanging up made him ache with an unfamiliar pain, a kind of pain he wasn't used to. It wasn't like electricity coursing through his body, or knives slicing his skin. It was a dull, throbbing pain in his chest and his stomach, a pain that made it hard to breathe. It wasn't a pain he knew, so it wasn't a pain he could deal with.

Being in pain was one of the few times he was glad for his upbringing. He was used to it, he could just tune it out and get on with what he needed to do. But this wasn't a pain he'd been exposed to, it wasn't even a pain he thought his parents knew about. He doubted any of his family had felt it before.

It had been kind of a relief when Gon had stopped phoning.

But still, when his phone buzzed, sometimes he hoped.

This time, though, he had a moment of confusion. He didn't often get job information in written form, so he rarely heard the sound of an email alert. He'd been doubly surprised when he saw Kurapika's name on the screen.

_Killua,_  
_Long time no see, I hope you're doing well._  
 _I'll be staying with Leorio for the next two weeks, and Gon said he'll probably drop by to hang out too. If you're not too busy, we'd all love to see you again._  
 _If you're on a job I fully understand. Next time I'm in your area we can go get lunch – where are you living these days, anyway? I noticed you'd moved on._  
 _Look forward to hearing from you,_  
 _Kurapika._

He'd seen Kurapika only a few months ago, so the email itself didn't surprise him. They'd been working in the same city, and had run into each other completely by chance. Even Alluka had liked him a lot, once Kurapika let his guard down a little, so they'd had a fun few days together where their work permitted, catching up and sharing their latest adventures. The invitations to go spend time with him didn't surprise him. At first Kurapika had been reclusive, had disappeared much like Killua did, but Killua had a feeling that was what had earned him his trust. They could trust each other to keep quiet about each other's whereabouts, and they knew each other's abilities well enough to make use of each other when the situation arose.

Leorio, on the other hand, he hadn't seen for a while. He had shown up quite unceremoniously on his doorstep once, when he needed a discreet doctor in a hurry, but even that was over a year ago now. Leorio had been earning a decent salary by the time Killua tracked him down, although he did a lot of unpaid work too, and it turned out his apartment was pretty modest. That had surprised Killua, after Leorio's passionate speeches about money. He expected something that would make him look richer, more successful. Instead he had bought himself a little one-bedroom apartment near where he worked most of the time, a comfortable stroll from everything he needed, without any kind of showing off involved. Killua knew it wouldn't have been cheap regardless, but it was far from the gold-and-jewels-type he had taken Leorio for.

If Kurapika was staying with Leorio, that meant the apartment would get crowded. Doubly so if Gon ended up staying there too. Killua had the time, the opportunity, that much he knew. Desire, though? That part he wasn't sure about. Did he want to visit or did he just feel obligated?

He considered waiting to ask Alluka when he got back to their hotel, but he knew what she would say. She would want to see all Killua's friends, that wasn't a question. She would want Killua to see them, too. She felt guilty for keeping him all to herself, no matter how many times he assured her he didn't mind.

No, he wouldn't tell her. He would book them a new hotel room, in the city, and make his decision from there. No one had to know, if he decided not to see them. And if he did see them, and it went badly, he could always say he had to leave. He was a good liar, he always had been. After this long apart, they had no chance of seeing through him. If he found out some more precise dates, he could even pick and choose when to visit. That might be a good place to start.

It would be a good way to spend his night, at least. Researching and seeing if he could put together good days, good times, a good hotel to stay in where he wouldn't run in to any of them unprepared.

He closed the email again and tucked his phone away, shoving his hands deep in his pockets as he walked. The sky was getting dark, and around him market stalls were beginning to close and bars were beginning to open. By the time he reached the shore it was empty, just Killua on his own, kicking at the sand as he walked. Something caught his eye, though. He stopped for a moment, bending to dig it out of the sand, and found a shiny stone, bright green and somewhat see-through, worn smooth by waves. He contemplated it for a moment then brushed the sand off on his shorts, tucking the stone into his pocket.

Killua wasn't sure when it was that he'd stopped contacting Gon, because he refused to think about the last time.

///

Gon was buzzing with excitement as he nudged his way through the crowd. He hadn't seen his friends in what seemed like forever, and he didn't want to wait another minute.

In his time back on Whale Island, he had collected a pile of little treasures. It started with a toy robot, like the ones Killua collected, and the Paladin's Necklace he'd kept from Greed Island. His friends had taken to sending him trinkets from their jobs all over the world, soon enough, and eventually he had to put up new shelves just to hold his collection.  
He had been reluctant to part with them, when the time came to get on a boat, but he knew they wouldn't all fit in his backpack. Somehow he had managed to strip his possessions back down to the bare minimum – two sets of clothing, a toothbrush, his hunter's license and his old beetle phone. Anything else he needed, he could find along the way. He'd done it often enough in the past, after all.

As soon as a path cleared, he tightened the straps on his backpack and made a break for it, rushing out into the morning breeze with a grin spreading across his face.

It had been forever since he last left the island, and man did it feel good to be travelling again.

Leorio wouldn't be home yet, he realised, as he walked up to the front door. He was an idiot, he'd gotten too caught up in the thought of seeing him again and had made his way straight to the apartment block. The plan had been to take in the sights, maybe find a souvenir for Mito, grab some lunch, and eventually head over to meet up with his friend.

“You've grown.”

He looked up at the sound of the familiar voice, and his face lit up when he saw the figure leaning against a balcony railing, long blonde hair waving in the breeze.

“Kurapika! You're here!”

“I got here a few days ago. Wait one moment, I'll let you in.”

With the grin back on his face again, Gon made for the door, waiting for the click of the locks opening. He didn't bother to wait for the elevator, instead he sprinted up the seven flights of stairs, laughing as he threw himself into Kurapika's arms.

“Where have you BEEN?” Gon asked breathlessly, hugging him tight. “It's been YEARS.”

“I know. That's why we have phones, though. Plus you got my letters.”

“Yeah,” Gon grinned again. “All my presents are on display in my bedroom. Thank you.”

“No need. I just wanted you to know I hadn't forgotten about you.”

For some reason the words stung a little, but Gon pretended not to notice as he finally relented his grasp and followed Kurapika into the apartment.

“I know you didn't,” he said after a moment. “I was really happy every time I heard from you.”

“I'm glad.”

///


	2. Dilemma x & x Delight

Killua had felt Kurapika's presence as he passed the apartment complex, sitting comfortably in the little living room while Leorio was at work. Many times he contemplated going in, saying hello and catching up before there were too many people around. He wasn't ready to admit to Alluka why they had come, though, so for now he would lay low and keep his presence hidden.

“Are you hungry?” he asked her with a smile, “we haven't had breakfast yet, should we go find some good food?”

“Yeah!”

He would keep up the pretense of being here on holiday, for a change of pace. He would keep it up until he'd made a decision, until he knew for sure if he wanted to see them or not.

Why was it such a hard decision?

He didn't have an answer to the stubborn question. After being away so long, he would have expected to jump at the chance to see them. Was he more broken than he thought? Had he really cast his friends aside so easily?

No. He'd had too much fun with Kurapika to believe that. 

It was something to do with that pain. That ache. He hadn't felt it in a long time, but he still remembered the way it felt. The nausea that rose in his stomach, the sour taste that came with it. It was an awful feeling and he still didn't know how to handle it. 

He could see Kurapika though, surely. And Leorio. Heck, he didn't even know if Gon had arrived yet. 

Not that Gon was the cause of the ache.

Who was he trying to kid? Of course Gon was the cause. He'd spent so long saying he would never leave Gon's side, that he would continue to follow him for as long as he could. Then Alluka had come into play, though, and it was more important to take care of her than to chase his dumb desires. He loved her, he loved being with her, that wasn't up for debate. It still hurt to not be with Gon, though, going on insane adventures. 

Then Gon had gone and gotten himself stuck back on Whale Island, so it was kind of a blessing in disguise that Killua hadn't been with him, but still...

There was something there, and it was something he couldn't afford to deal with.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, of course!” Killua managed a smile, “how about this place?”

“Okay!”

Yeah, he didn't need to face that problem just yet. He would hang out in the city with Alluka, they would see the sights, take a bunch of photos, and maybe he would run into Leorio outside work (but he couldn't come visit because of a job, unfortunately) or conveniently turn up at the apartment when Kurapika was the only one there (but he couldn't stay long, of course). 

They had been so enthusiastic about inviting him, he felt bad being right there and not saying hello, at the very least.

He would work something out, but that was a job for future-Killua to handle. For now he just had to slap a smile on his face and pretend nothing was wrong, to hopefully keep Alluka satisfied. She would see right through him eventually, but he was going to drag that moment out as far as he possibly could.

///

Gon felt warm inside. 

He had spent all evening with two of his best friends, exchanging stories from their time apart. When the night began to cool down they'd bundled up in thick blankets like they were children all over again, sipping at hot chocolate and eating pizza straight from the box. He had grease all over his fingers that he couldn't quite wipe off with a napkin, but he was too happy and comfortable to get up and wash them. 

The wind outside was strong, and Leorio's heater was turned up high, and Gon was the warmest he'd been in years.

A small part of him wanted to ask, though.

Had they heard from him? Talked to him? Seen him?

Was he even alive?

No, he was definitely alive. He wouldn't have put himself in a position where Alluka could be hurt, or left alone. Besides, someone would know if he'd been hurt. 

Surely someone would have told him. 

So Killua had become a recluse, it was that simple. He hadn't returned any of their calls or messages or letters, he was off in his own little world. He'd moved on with his life.

Somehow, the thought stung.

“Did you hear back from Killua in the end?”

Gon's eyes widened, and for a moment he thought maybe Leorio had read his mind. He seemed totally innocent, though, looking at Kurapika with his phone in hand. 

“Yeah, kind of,” Kurapika nodded. “He said he would see what he could do. Did he say anything to you, Gon?”

“Huh?”

“I haven't heard from him in a few days,” Kurapika explained. “Did he tell you he was on his way or that he wouldn't make it or something?”

“N-No,” he stumbled out. “He didn't say anything.”

It took a moment for Gon to realise, to understand. The two of them had no idea that Gon and Killua hadn't been in touch. They assumed, understandably, that the pair were still as tight as ever, that they were still messaging multiple times a day. Last time they'd been together, that had been the case, so he supposed it made sense.

“I haven't even heard from the kid since I helped him out,” Leorio sighed, with a hint of annoyance in his tone. “He just left and never even said thank you.”

“He doesn't say thank you to friends,” Gon mumbled into his blanket. “You know that.”

“You'd think he'd make an exception for saving a limb!”

“Killua doesn't make exceptions,” Kurapika smiled. “But if it's any consolation, he told me all about it last time I saw him. He said you were kind of brilliant, and he was impressed, but he'd never tell you that.”

“Yeah right.”

“No, he did. Maybe not in those words.”

“Well, I guess that's something. Should we assume he isn't coming, then?”

They both looked at Gon, as if he might have an answer for them, but Gon couldn't seem to find words to respond.

“I don't know,” he choked out finally. “You know what he's like, right?”

“True enough.”

Gon curled a little tighter into his blanket cocoon, stray tears pricking at his eyes. 

_It was just him._

///


	3. Contact x & x Comfort

Killua's fingers clutched tightly at his phone, contemplating the number on the screen. It would be so easy to make the call, to pretend nothing had ever happened – Gon would play along, he was sure of it. It would be so damn easy, if he could just make himself push the button. 

“Are you okay?”

Alluka's face was wrought with concern, and Killua tried to slap a grin on but couldn't quite manage it. She sat down next to him lightly, perching on the edge of the mattress, and considered the phone in his hand.

“Did someone call?”

“No.”

“Oh. Do you need to call someone?”

“No.”

“I can't help if you won't tell me what's wrong.”

“You don't have to help,” Killua's lips twitched toward a tiny smile, but it didn't hold. ”I'll be okay.”

“Did you get enough sleep last night?”

“Yeah, I'm okay. Thanks.”

She stared down at her hands, held loosely in her lap, and for a moment the pair was silent.

“When did you last talk to him?”

Killua didn't answer, and Alluka simply nodded.

“I thought it had been a while. Do you miss him?”

“Yeah,” he admitted. “I do.”

“Why don't you call him, then? I'm sure he'd be happy to hear from you.”

“I think it's easier if we don't talk.”

“Easier how?”

Killua glanced over at her concerned face and finally managed a smile, reaching out an arm and pulling her into his side lightly.

“I'm fine, Alluka. Thank you for worrying about me. Really though, it's not a big deal.”

“You don't have to give up all your friends just for me. I'll be okay if you want to go visit them for a bit, nothing will happen.”

“It would take days to visit Gon. Weeks maybe. And Kurapika doesn't stay still, so it isn't that simple to just go visit him. You have to wait for him to call you, not the other way around.”

“Doesn't Leorio live nearby? I thought that was maybe why we came here.”

“He does,” Killua admitted, “he has an apartment a few blocks away.”

“You should go see him, then. You obviously need to see a friend right now. I'll stay here, nothing will happen if you go visit for a few hours.”

“I appreciate it, but really, it's okay. He's busy anyway, working and everything.”

“He would make time for you. He's your friend. Wouldn't you make time for him if he came to visit us? If he was in the same city? You wouldn't just go about your day and pretend he wasn't there, right? You'd find time.”

“You're getting too smart,” Killua smiled fondly, hugging her a little more softly. “Stop growing up so fast, it's not right.”

“Sorry,” she giggled. “I'll try.”

“I'll think about it, okay? Is that enough?”

“For now.”

///

Gon woke with a grin already on his face, still curled up in the heavy blankets on Leorio's floor. He could hear the sounds of someone in the kitchen, quietly starting on breakfast, but he didn't open his eyes. He was too comfortable, too happy. He would continue to lie there a little longer, listening to the peaceful morning sounds, waiting for the smell of breakfast to call to him.

His first few weeks back on Whale Island had been like this, too. He had woken in his own bed, to the sounds and smells of Mito cooking, and cracked his eyes open to see the first rays of sunlight peeking through his curtains. They lit him up in the same way they lit his bedroom, creeping in and radiating warmth throughout. He was happy, he was safe, he was comfortable.

He was bored.

The first few weeks had been wonderful, a nice change of pace, but Gon itched to keep moving. He needed to run free, he needed to chase some kind of insane goal again. That was what he lived for, and now... Now he wasn't even sure why he woke up some days. 

He had set up his new shelf in the path of the morning lights, so when he cracked his eyes open reluctantly, he saw the little treasures that reminded him his friends were thinking of him. The trinkets and toys from all over the world, sitting atop letters that held the words he needed to hear.

“I thought you might like this.”

“This made me think of you.”

“I knew if you'd been here, you'd have stopped to look at this.”

They were never very expensive souvenirs, and Gon was glad for that. He would have felt guilty if his friends were spending a bunch of money on him, regardless of how much they were earning at times. He wasn't looking for big presents and gestures, they would be hollow in a way. No, his collection wasn't about possessions, it was about the thought. The care. The love.

He felt so loved, when he looked at them. He felt so loved, lying here in his blanket burrito.

“I'm going to run to the store,” Kurapika's voice said quietly, and Leorio made some agreeable noise. “Do you need anything else while I'm out?”

“Nothing in particular. Thank you.”

“I'll be back soon, then.”

When the door closed behind him, Gon finally sat up, rubbing sleepily at his eyes.

“Sorry, did we wake you?”

“No, no, I was awake. I'm just super comfy here, I didn't want to move.”

“You don't have to move,” Leorio laughed. “You can stay there if you want, Kurapika just went to grab a few things for breakfast.”

“Okay, I'm staying then.”

He shuffled back to lean against the wall, pulling blankets up around his head and nose so only his eyes peeked out at Leorio's fond smile.

“You know you can come stay whenever you want, right?” Leorio asked, with a surprising amount of sincerity. “If you're lonely, or bored, you can just show up. You don't have to wait for an invitation to do it.”

“I would feel bad putting you out.”

“You wouldn't be. At all. Kurapika drops by any time he's in the area, usually only for a day at a time though. Killua came by once, but that was mostly because he needed my help.”

“Oh. Yeah. You mentioned that before. What happened?”

“He didn't tell you about it?”

“No, he doesn't tell me much. Well... He doesn't tell me anything, really.”

“Oh. I guess he got in some fight, he didn't give me many details but I assume it was work related. His arm was in really bad shape, blood loss was the least of his problems. He said he needed someone to help him who could keep it quiet, so I got him cleaned up, stitched back together, made sure it wasn't going to get infected or anything. He stayed overnight so I could keep an eye on him, but refused to stay any longer. Said he had places he needed to be. With his sister, I guess.”

“Is his arm okay?”

“Kurapika said it looked just like normal when they last met up.”

“That's good,” Gon breathed a sigh of relief. “I would hate for him to get seriously injured if I wasn't there to help.”

“Yeah, we worry about him too. He can take care of himself, though. I'm sure he's totally fine.”

“Mm, I'm sure he is.”

For a moment Gon was tempted to tell him everything. To spill every last detail about how Killua never seemed to talk much, about how he was always busy or distracted, about how he thought maybe if he backed off, Killua would make an effort – but then he didn't. By the time he realised Killua wasn't going to call, it was too late to go back. They still exchanged messages for a long time, but eventually they had gone the way of the phone calls, and Gon hated himself for it. He should never have let it end, it was too hard to start back up again. 

He realised, though, that Leorio had no idea. If Gon started pouring his heart out in a state of distress, Leorio would have no clue what was going on. Besides, he had far bigger things to deal with than Gon's silly problems. He would have to work it out himself, to think of a way to call again without it looking weird. 

He just wanted to hear his voice, even for a moment.

He would find a way to fix it.

///


	4. Breakfast x & x Breakdown

Killua realised his mistake too late when he heard the voice behind him, turning around and rubbing at tired eyes as the figure rushed toward him.

“Killua!” he heard again, “you made it!”

“Oh, um, not exactly,” he mumbled. “Sorry, I should have answered your message.”

“It's okay. You look tired, are you doing alright?”

“Yeah. Just been... Working, you know? I'm okay.”

“You should come have breakfast with us.”

“I shouldn't. Thank you, though.”

“Since when do you thank your friends?”

“That one was different,” Killua smiled faintly. “You're still my friend, don't worry.”

“I'm glad. I was worried, when you hadn't even told Gon whether you were coming or not.”

Kurapika considered him for a moment and he felt strangely exposed as the dark eyes roamed from head to toe, contemplative.

“Did you two have a fight?”

“What?”

“You and Gon. He makes the same expression when your name comes up.”

“What expression is that?”

“Sad and lonely, mostly.”

Killua didn't answer right away, and Kurapika nudged him toward the door of the store, where Killua had been about to obtain breakfast when he'd heard his name called across the street. There were a few little tables near the door, where people were sitting to eat on their morning commute, and Kurapika led him over to sit down.

“Talk to me, Killua. You know you can trust me.”

“We haven't talked.”

“Whose fault is that?” Kurapika laughed, “I tried, for once, but you didn't answer my messages.”

“No, I mean...”

He trailed off, and Kurapika's eyes widened.

“You and Gon?”

“Yeah.”

“That explains a lot. When did you last talk?”

“A long time ago.”

“What, weeks?”

“More.”

“Seriously? Months?”

Killua cringed, but Kurapika didn't speak this time.

“Years,” he forced through gritted teeth. “Maybe... Maybe two years, or more.”

“What?”

Kurapika was dumbfounded, lost for words as he stared at Killua's torn face, his eyes struggling to hold back his tears.

“It was hard. I hated saying goodbye all the time. It was the worst. So we just didn't talk as much, and then it got less and less and... At some point we just stopped, I guess.”

“I would never have guessed that, not in a thousand years. You haven't seen each other even once?”

“No.”

“Wow. I'm so sorry, Killua, I had no idea. Do you not want to get in touch again?”

“I don't know.”

Kurapika waited quietly, patiently, watching the mess of emotions that raged on Killua's features. It was heartbreaking to see him so upset, struggling for words, clutching at the t-shirt over his heart with shaking fingers.

“It hurts saying goodbye.”

“Of course, but you know you'll see him again. Goodbye isn't really the end, it's just something we say when we part ways for a little while.”

“I don't want to part ways. I don't want to be apart anymore. If I talk to him again, I won't be able to leave. I won't be able to make myself do it. But I can't take Alluka to live on Whale Island, it wouldn't work, and I'd be bored and have no work and... and...”

“And?”

“And Gon wouldn't want me there anyway.”

“I bet he would.”

Killua shook his head wordlessly, silver hair somehow growing even messier than before, and Kurapika smiled again as he touched Killua's shoulder lightly.

“Gon misses you, too. A lot.”

“You don't know that.”

“I do. I promise you, he misses you just as much as you miss him.”

“It's different.”

“It's really not.”

Killua squeezed at his chest again, a familiar dull ache forming inside of him at the thought alone. How could he even consider facing Gon when it messed him up so much just to think about or talk about? He would fall apart the moment they were in the same room.

“I think you should talk things out with him,” Kurapika suggested. “Where are you staying? Nearby? I can leave you alone for a bit while Leorio is at work, if you like.”

“I need to get back to Alluka.”

“Of course. I should get back too, they'll be wondering where I am. Come by if you have some free time, we'd all love to catch up with you.”

“I'll... I'll see what I can do.”

“Do you mean that this time or are you just trying to shut me up about it?”

Killua couldn't find an answer quickly enough, and Kurapika smiled again.

“I'm not going to make you do anything, but it seems silly to me that you'd be in the same city and not reconnect with him. No matter how long it's been, he'll still be happy to see you.”

“Could you give him something for me?”

“If you like, but you could just give it to him yourself.”

“This is easier, I think. Do you mind?”

He already had the package in his bag, ready to post next time he went near the right store, so instead he dug it out and slid it across the table to Kurapika. 

“It's nothing much. Just for his collection.”

“He'll be over the moon.”

“I'll be in touch later, okay? You're here for another week right?”

“Pretty much. If I don't hear from you in a couple of days I'll be calling you every ten minutes until you answer me. You're so reclusive lately.”

“You're one to talk.”

“Isn't it pretty bad if I'm the one calling you out, then?”

“Yeah, maybe.”

With a little smile Kurapika stood up again, tucking the parcel under his arm.

“I'd better get the milk and head back, they'll be worrying about me by now.”

“Okay.”

Killua grabbed a couple of things from the shelf for breakfast, enough for him and Alluka to get by until they found somewhere to have lunch, and followed Kurapika up to the counter. When they stood outside the door with plastic bags in hand, Kurapika reached out to pat Killua's shoulder lightly.

“Take care of yourself, Killua. We'll talk again soon.”

“It was good to see you. I promise I'll send you a message or something.”

“I look forward to it.”

///

As he stared out the window at the sky, Gon felt dark eyes on him, glancing up to see Kurapika staring at him in a slightly concerning way.

“When did you last talk to Killua?”

Gon didn't answer, but he had a feeling Kurapika had already worked it all out anyway, considering how bluntly the question came out.

“Do you ever talk anymore?”

“No.”

“Never?”

“Never.”

“You should call him, then. You obviously miss him.”

“Of course I do, but I can't interrupt his life just because I miss him.”

“He wouldn't mind.”

“It's hard,” Gon admitted. “Every time I talk to him it reminds me just how far away he is. I don't like being apart, but if we don't talk, I can kind of forget. Sometimes.”

“Why do you need to forget?”

“Because he's off working and travelling with his sister, and I would just be in the way.”

“Killua would never think you were in the way. Or Alluka, for that matter. Have you spent any time with her? She's a very sweet kid.”

“Not really. We met, I mean, but we didn't talk much or anything. It was a long time ago.”

“You could see him, if you wanted. Before you go home. Your license can still take you anywhere you want to go, after all. Just call him, ask where he is, and show up. He would be happy.”

“So would I, but then I would be sad again after.”

“Isn't it worth it for the happiness in between?”

“I don't know. You ask hard questions.”

“Don't think about it so much.”

He didn't have an answer, so instead he just turned to stare out the window again, watching people pass by in the street below. The tight feeling in his chest was back again, as if his heart was pushing against his ribs, and he felt his shoulders slumping.

“Here, this came for you.”

He looked back again to see Kurapika sliding him a little cardboard box. The handwriting on the top was almost painfully familiar, and he brushed his fingertips over it lightly as he picked it up.

_Mister Gon Freecs, Care of Leorio Paladiknight._

Kurapika excused himself as Gon stared at it, and after a moment Gon found himself smiling a little.

_He hasn't forgotten about me_

He'd only gotten one package from Killua in the past, just after they stopped talking regularly. Inside it had been a piece of wood that looked like it had fallen from a tree, the kind you might use for firewood. In the grain pattern though was a strange looking face, like an owl maybe, or a bald guy with a big nose. It had made him laugh, especially to think of Killua coming across it and finding it fascinating enough to keep for Gon.

He slit the package open and pulled out a short letter from inside, unfolding it on the same handwriting that he could pick out anywhere.

_Gon,_  
_I heard you would be at Leorio's place for a while, so hopefully this will get to you before you head back home. I found it on the beach near the last place I stayed and thought you might like it._  
_I hope you're doing well._  
_-Killua_

There was something else written too, something scribbled out until the page dented. He couldn't help but be curious, trying to make out the letters as he stared at it, shifting it under the nearest light in the hopes of a glimpse. Standing directly under the bulb, holding it up over his head, and squinting in just the right way, he began to make it out.

_I miss you_

The piece of paper fell from his hands, and he found tears spilling from his eyes as his fingers trembled. He did his best to hold it in, to be quiet, but when a shuddering sob found its way out Kurapika turned to look.

“Oh Gon,” he said softly, his face falling. “I'm sorry.”

“I miss him,” he admitted with a shaky voice. “I miss him, Kurapika.”

“I know.”

///


	5. Concede x & x Converge

Killua couldn't help but wonder what the two of them would be talking about. He knew Kurapika would have passed the package on pretty quickly, so it would be in Gon's possession by now. He wasn't the type to wait for the “right time.” Gon would have opened it pretty quickly too – unless he was mad at Killua? Then he might just throw it away. Not that it mattered much either way, nothing would change. His other friends had sent him far more gifts than Killua had, anyway, so it wasn't like he'd be missing out. 

He wanted to see him.

For a long time he'd managed to keep the urge down, but thinking about it, talking about it, had made it rear its ugly head again. He wanted to see them all – not just Gon, he wanted to talk to Kurapika again, and tease Leorio some more. He was such an idiot to stay away for so long, why had he done this to himself?

He remembered the ache. 

The throbbing, tight pain, the nausea, the shaking. That was why he'd stayed away.

After a minute he dug out his phone, contemplating his words carefully.

“If he wants to, I guess.”

It was simple enough to look uncaring, enough to make it Gon's choice, rather than his. He couldn't hate himself later if it was Gon's choice.

Although he expected to hate himself later anyway.

Kurapika didn't reply right away, and for some reason that surprised Killua, but he supposed they had probably gone out to do something in the city. See something, get dinner somewhere, laugh together and create new memories together. 

He should have been there.

Maybe he should take a nap. His judgment hadn't been amazing lately, maybe he needed some sleep after all. He probably should have thought about that before sending the text, but it was too late now. Not that he would be able to sleep, anyway. Every time he tried it ended badly. 

He'd pretty much given up on trying.

///

Gon had finally gathered himself, found some sense of composure, but the highs of the last two days had well and truly come to an end. Leorio was still at work though, so thankfully Gon didn't have to explain himself to anyone. Only Kurapika had seen him break down, and so far he was being pretty calm about it. 

“If I said you could see him right now, would you say no?”

Gon froze for a moment, then shook his head.

“Of course not. It might hurt later, but this hurts too.”

“Come on, then.”

“What?”

“Don't ask questions,” Kurapika smiled, tucking his key to the apartment into his pocket. “Let's go for a walk.”

“Ah... Um... Okay, I guess.”

He thought he must have misunderstood, must have misheard, but still he followed obediently, pointing out the animals in the trees and the colours of the sunset as they walked. Kurapika probably wanted him to get some air, to start smiling again, and he would do his best to provide.

Kurapika wasn't necessarily the best at things. He wasn't the smartest person in the world, or the sneakiest, or the sharpest – but that didn't mean he wasn't pretty good regardless. It hadn't taken much to peek at Killua's wallet when he pulled it out to pay for his groceries, and it didn't take a genius to memorise the hotel name and room number on the key card in the frontmost slot. When he'd gotten the message from Killua, giving permission in his own stubborn way, he had acted immediately – he wouldn't give Killua time to second guess it.

Gon was lost for words as Kurapika led him up the staircase, still in a strange state of disbelief. It couldn't possibly be what he thought. He would KNOW if Killua was in town. Wouldn't he? How would Kurapika know and not him?

Kurapika knocked on the door firmly and they waited, listening for footsteps and hearing nothing.

“It's me,” Kurapika called with a laugh. “Relax, Killua. I came to say hi.”

The door opened a little and Killua froze in his tracks, staring at them through the gap blankly.

“Alluka, hey,” Kurapika grinned, when he saw the young girl looking on curiously. “It's been ages, we should catch up. Want to come get an icecream with me? I assume you know a place.”

“Sure!”

She grabbed her bag and grinned, kissing Killua's cheek lightly as she ducked past him to join Kurapika in the hall.

“I'll bring her back safely,” Kurapika promised. “But we might be a while, chatting and everything. See you later, Killua, Gon.”

The pair of them headed back out, but still Gon and Killua just stared at each other in silence, neither of them sure quite what to say.

“Come in, I guess,” Killua managed finally, stepping aside.

Gon followed him into the suite, taking a moment to admire the pretty little living room area where they emerged, his eyes roaming toward the closed doors.

“It's nice, right?” Killua gestured vaguely. “Come see.”

He took Gon through a quick tour of their unit, but still didn't get a word out of the stunned and confused boy.

“Are you going to punch me?” Killua asked, when they sat down in the living room. “I wouldn't blame you, I deserve it.”

“Why?”

“Because you were always the one who called me. When you stopped, I should have called to check on you or something.”

“It's fine. I know you don't really do that.”

“I should make an effort for you, though.”

“You're here, aren't you?”

“That's true,” Killua smiled softly. “I'm here.”

“Why didn't you come straight to Leorio's?”

“I thought it might be weird or awkward or something. I was going to call you first and make sure we were okay, but I couldn't do it. I panicked.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“No. Are _you_ mad at _me_?”

“No.”

“Then we're good, right?”

“Yeah,” Gon smiled faintly, “we're good, we're always good.”

///


	6. Sweets x & x Sleeps

Killua was nervous when he heard footsteps in the hall. Kurapika was about to bring Alluka back and disrupt their moment, about to take Gon back to Leorio's and leave him all alone again. He could go with them, though, maybe. If Alluka didn't mind. Leorio would probably be home soon, that would be a good excuse. He hadn't seen Leorio in a while, it was totally plausible that he wanted to-

His thoughts were cut off abruptly when the door opened, and he found a hint of sadness in Gon's face, too, as the pair returned.

“Don't go.”

The words slipped from Killua's lips, barely a whisper, and part of him hoped Gon hadn't heard it. He didn't seem to react, didn't seem to respond, just stared straight ahead as they waited for Kurapika and Alluka to pull their shoes off and ditch their bags.

“That icecream place is really good,” Kurapika grinned, “you did well, Killua.”

“Oh, yeah, it's our favourite.”

“We brought you back some,” Alluka beamed, pulling a little foam container from a plastic shopping bag. “I didn't know which flavour you like, Gon, so we got a bunch of different ones that Onii-chan likes and you can try them all and choose your favourite, and he can eat the ones you don't like.”

Despite the slightly suffering expression that had been on his face when the door opened, at Alluka's words, Gon laughed.

“Thank you, Alluka. I bet they're all amazing.”

“I guess Onii-chan won't get any, then.”

She gave Killua a teasing look and he poked his tongue out in response, pulling a face that made her laugh. When he looked back at them again he could see Kurapika and Gon considering each other, and it made his stomach churn all over again.

“I'm gonna stay here longer,” Gon said quietly, “you can go if you want, I know the way back.”

“Okay,” Kurapika agreed without a moment of questioning, smiling softly. “I'm gonna go meet Leorio from work, then. Let me know if you need anything.”

“I will, thank you.”

“Maybe let me know if you're coming back late, so we can leave the door unlocked.”

“Okay.”

“And have fun,” he grinned, “Bye Alluka, it was good to see you again.”

“You too, Kurapika! Come again soon!”

“Uh-huh, I will. Take care of the kids for me.”

“Okay!”

The moment the front door closed, Alluka shot a grin at the two boys, shouldering her little bag again.

“I'll be in my room, Onii-chan. Call me if you want anything.”

“Okay, thanks Alluka.”

Soon the pair were left in a silent room again, and Killua breathed a little sigh of relief.

“Let's eat that icecream,” he suggested with a smile. “Coming?”

“Uh-huh.”

He found two spoons in the kitchenette and sat down at the table, offering one to Gon as he sat down opposite. Inside the container were six little squares of different coloured icecream, and they didn't bother searching for conversation as they alternated spoonfuls.

“This really is good,” Gon mumbled through a mouthful. “Have you been there before?”

“Yeah, we know the best icecream shops in just about every city of the world. And the best cake shops. And chocolate shops.”

Gon smiled to himself at the thought, but he caught Killua hesitating, looking away as he stuck his spoon in his mouth.

“I could take you, if you want. To some of my favourite ones.”

“Yeah?”

“Just say when. I can come meet you somewhere or whatever.”

“I'd like that.”

He busied himself with another scoop of icecream, hoping Killua wouldn't notice the pink tinge to his cheeks. After a moment of silence his eyes slid that direction, though, and he found Killua still looking away too. 

Maybe he was imagining things, but he thought maybe Killua was blushing a little too.

///

When Gon woke before dawn, Killua was wide awake. He sat bolt upright at the hotel desk, staring at a computer screen that provided the only light in the room. 

“Killua?” Gon asked with a yawn. “Why aren't you sleeping?”

“I'm not tired.”

“Yeah, you are,” Gon said flatly. “Is everything okay?”

“I'm fine.”

There were a dozen ideas running through Gon's head, reasons why someone might not be able to – or want to – go to sleep, but only one seemed to make sense for someone like Killua.

“Is someone following you?”

“Not that I know of, but maybe.”

“You should get some sleep. I'll look out for you.”

“I told you, I'm fine.”

“You're not.”

Killua didn't bother to keep up the argument, so Gon climbed out of the blankets and made his way over to the desk.

“Sleepytime, Killua,” he grinned. “I'll take care of you.”

He expected stubbornness, but instead he saw something in Killua's face soften, and Gon took the opportunity to drag him out of his chair while he was being lenient. 

“If anything happens, if I hear anything, or if anything seems even slightly abnormal, I promise I'll wake you up.”

“What if you fall asleep?”

“I just slept, I won't fall asleep.”

“You better not.”

“It'll be fine, Killua. Come on.”

He waited for Killua to sit down on the edge of the bed, stripping off his jacket and socks, then nudged him lightly toward the pillow. Obediently Killua lay down, apprehension still written all over his face, and Gon tucked the blankets up over his shoulders.

“I know what you're thinking,” he said softly. “You're going to pretend, to try to trick me, but you're going to stay awake. I know you, Killua. But I mean it, I'm gonna take care of you and Alluka both, I'm gonna make sure nothing happens. So get some rest, okay?”

“I'll try,” Killua conceded with a sigh, rolling over onto his side. “Goodnight, Gon.”

“Sweet dreams, Killua.”

He planned to take over the computer, since Killua had moved on, but instead he found himself still sitting on the edge of the bed, trying not to move and disturb him. His expression softened a little more as he began to relax, and Gon found he could tell when sleep had taken over. If he'd been faking it, Killua would never have let his guard down so clearly. He wasn't capable. This was real, this was genuine.

After maybe an hour the sun was starting to rise beyond the window, but Gon kept the curtains closed to block out as much light as possible. Killua was stirring though, his fingers clutching at the pillow, his eyes squeezed shut tight. His body began to tense, to twitch, and finally Gon started to understand.

It was strangely heartbreaking to see Killua shudder in his sleep, wracked by some kind of nightmare, but Gon couldn't bring himself to wake him up. Instead he reached out a hand, hesitating again for a moment, and brushed it across the ends of silver hair that spilled over a hotel pillow. When Killua didn't immediately wake up and protest, Gon grew a little bolder. He reached a little further, and stroked Killua's hair with every ounce of comforting he could muster. His fingertips traced across a slightly sweaty forehead, down a warm cheek to a strong, tense jawline. There was a hint of stubble there, which Gon probably should have expected, but somehow the thought had never crossed his mind. He ran his fingers through messy locks, smiling to himself as Killua stilled, his ragged breaths slowing into a calm, even rhythm. 

“I'll stay with you,” he whispered, leaning down close to Killua's ear. “I won't let you be afraid.”

///


	7. Confession x & x Affection

When Killua woke up he felt well-rested for the first time in weeks. It took him a minute to register where he was, and another to feel the weight still sitting behind him. Fingertips brushed over his hair lightly, making his skin tingle, but he didn't pull away even though he felt like he should. He knew the hand, that was no mystery, but he found himself worried he would scare it away by moving. It skimmed over his jaw then left for a moment, before it returned to the top of his head.

Somehow it felt comforting. 

Warm.

He wiggled a little when fingertips tickled his neck and immediately the hand left him, returning to its rightful owner. For a moment he considered grabbing for it, dragging it back, but he knew that was too far right now.

“Morning,” Gon smiled, when Killua rolled over reluctantly. “Sleep well?”

“Better than I have in months.”

“Oh good. I mean, it sucks that you haven't been sleeping well, but I'm glad you did this time.”

“Yeah,” Killua smiled softly. “I did.”

For a minute he just stared at Gon, taking in the way it felt to have him back at his side, and the way his face had changed over the years. He was starting to grow up, as was to be expected, and Killua wanted to remember every bit of him for when he left again.

His chest squeezed at the thought and Killua tensed up in response, cursing himself for it when Gon tilted his head slightly, considering him.

“Are you sure you're okay?”

“I'm fine.”

“Why did you flinch just now?”

“It wasn't a flinch.”

“What was it?”

“It was... I don't know. It doesn't really matter.”

He shuffled a little to sit up in the bed, running a hand through his hair and blushing immediately. Gon, too, looked away in a hurry, his cheeks tinted pink, and Killua debated whether or not he should say anything about it.

“Thank you for staying with me,” he said finally, his face still burning red. “For looking out for me while I slept and everything.”

“Any time. You just have to ask or call.”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“Also what's with the 'thank you's all of a sudden? Did you retract your policy on not thanking friends?”

“No, you're just... different.”

“I'm not your friend?”

“Of course you are.”

“Then what's different?”

“I don't know.”

They fell silent again, avoiding each other's eyes, and Killua pulled his knees to his chest as he thought about it.

“I got your present,” Gon said with a little smile. “I love it, thank you.”

“I'm glad you liked it. It made me think of you when I saw it.”

“I like knowing you still think of me.” He paused, burning red again. “All of you, I mean. Every time someone sends me something I know that for just a moment you guys were thinking of me, and that makes me happy.”

“I think about you a lot. I wouldn't want to send you just anything, though.”

“Yeah, you're different,” Gon agreed, nodding. “That piece of wood you sent me, with the face in it, I felt like if I had been there you would have pointed it out and said 'hey, look at this!' and we would have laughed about it together. It was like you were sending me a joke I missed.”

“Yeah. I know I could have sent a photo, but it seemed like a good addition to your trinkets.”

“I brought it with me,” Gon admitted in a mumble. “I couldn't bring everything, so I just brought that one.”

“Did you really?”

“Mm. It's in my bag at Leorio's. This one is probably easier to carry around, for next time.”

He glanced over to see Gon pulling the little stone from his pocket, running his thumb over the smooth surface fondly. 

“Less likely to get damaged,” Killua agreed with a weak attempt at a smile. “Next time?”

“Hopefully I can come visit again. Maybe you can come back too, if you're not too busy or anything I mean.”

“I'm here for a few more days. Are you here long?”

“About a week.”

“We can hang out, then. You don't need to think about next time yet.”

“You're not too busy working?”

“No, as long as Alluka is safe I'm fine. I finished my last job.”

“Oh,” Gon smiled, and a sense of tension seemed to fall out of him. “Okay, that'd be cool.”

“What time is it, anyway?”

“Um, almost three.”

“In the afternoon?”

“Yeah. You slept through the morning, I didn't want to disturb you. Alluka said you didn't need to be anywhere, so I figured it was okay.”

“I guess I was more tired than I thought.”

“You were pretty bad.”

Gon hesitated, staring at his hands for a moment, and Killua was surprised to see that he looked nervous.

“Have you been having nightmares or something?”

Killua froze, wondering if it was worth denying, but when he remembered the hand caressing his hair a nod came out of its own accord.

“Yeah, most of the time when I try to sleep. Just bad memories and stuff like that.”

“I wanted to do something to help, but I didn't want to wake you up.”

Killua paused once more, contemplative, and finally decided it was time to throw caution to the wind. Kurapika had brought Gon over for a reason, and it certainly wasn't 'just because'. He hoped it wasn't 'friendly' either, since Leorio and Kurapika himself had stayed away, but maybe that was just wishful thinking.

“You did,” Killua stumbled out. “Help, I mean.”

“Yeah?”

With a moment of confidence and a face burning bright red, he tipped himself sideways lightly, landing against Gon's side with a bump. He was sure Gon was as embarrassed as he was, but he didn't shove him off, so against his ribs Killua remained. After what felt like an age, Gon's arm came down to rest lightly over Killua's back, his warm fingers curling around Killua's bicep.

This was beyond anything they'd done before. He felt like they'd pushed their boundaries at times, tested the limits of 'friendship', but he didn't think even Gon was oblivious enough to not understand with the pair of them in that position. And he hadn't pulled away, which meant...

“Thank you for staying.”

“How could I not?” Gon asked, a hint of teasing creeping into his voice. “You were so pitiful with your little 'don't go', only a monster would have left you.”

“I hoped you hadn't heard that.” Killua mumbled, burning red again. “Sorry.”

“I don't want to leave,” Gon added softly. “I want to be here with you every day again, like we used to be. I... I miss that.”

“Me too.”

“I know I can't ask for that though. I just felt like I needed to say it.”

“I'm sorry we fell out of contact.”

“Me too. It was just so hard sometimes. I never wanted to stop.”

Gon was opening up, Killua realised. He was trying, awkwardly to explain his feelings. If Killua was lucky, maybe he'd say...? No, that was too far, he wouldn't ask for that. But Gon had come so close to saying the words he wanted to hear, the words he wanted to write, the words he wanted to scream from the rooftops. So painfully close.

“I miss you,” Killua blurted out, his face flushed pink. 

He started to pull away in his awkwardness but Gon held on tighter, pulling him deeper into his side, and planted a kiss on the top of Killua's head.

“I missed you too, idiot.”

He'd never thought those words would sound so good.

“I've missed you,” Killua said again, pressing himself in tighter. “I can't even explain how much I've missed you over these years.”

Gon's head dropped to his again, but this time it stayed, his forehead resting on messy silver hair. He felt a tiny little shudder and caught on quickly, his own tears struggling to stay put.

“Every time you called it made me so happy,” Killua began, finally ready to spill every word. “I was so happy, and I never wanted to stop. I could never hang up. I was so tired sometimes I almost fell asleep. But I couldn't say I was leaving, I couldn't do it. So I just lay in bed with the phone to my ear and did my best to keep listening and talking. Every time you hung up it hurt so much it was insane.”

“Like you can't breathe,” Gon mumbled. “Like your lungs are aching.”

“And nauseous, like I was gonna throw up.”

“And you just kind of tense up and start to shake.”

“Yeah.”

“Me too.”

Gon reached a little further around Killua's back, pulling him into a hug, and Killua didn't even pretend to protest. Somehow in the space of a few hours they'd gone from out of touch to... whatever this was.

“Killua?”

“Mm?”

“Would you ever consider coming back home with me?”

“If you wanted me to.”

“I know you have to take care of Alluka, though. And you'd both be bored on Whale Island.”

“That doesn't mean we can't visit.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

“Is that not what you meant?” Killua asked, a little stunned. “Did you mean...?”

“Yeah, kinda.”

“I always thought you would come back to me, instead. Do you like it so much on the island?”

“No, but I would be in your way.”

“You couldn't be in my way if you tried.”

They shuffled a bit, back to their comfortable little sidelong hug, and Killua looked up at Gon's slightly damp eyes.

“Do you want to stay with me and Alluka?”

“I don't want to interfere.”

“You wouldn't. Not at all.” There was a pause for a moment, then Killua smiled. “If something goes wrong, you can take Alluka away to safety while I fight.”

“And if someone comes for me instead of her?”

“Everyone likes you, no one is coming for you.”

“But they could.”

“Then you can run away with Alluka while I get rid of them. I'll protect you. Now and forever.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

He saw a glimpse of a smile on Gon's face as he considered it, the first in their conversation, and his hand was cupping Gon's cheek before he even knew it. Gon didn't squirm though, didn't pull away from his touch at all, so there he remained.

“Stay with me,” Killua said again. “I'll look out for you.”

“Okay,” Gon nodded. “I'll take care of you when you sleep.”

For a moment they just smiled at each other, then Gon leapt up with a grin, grabbing his jacket from the side table.

“They'll be worried about us by now, race you to Leorio's apartment.”

“You're on!”

///

Gon wasn't sure when it was that he'd started holding Killua's hand.

First they'd been running down the street, laughing at each other as they wove through clusters of people and hopped over walls. Gon's breath came harder and faster than it used to, although it didn't help that he suspected Killua was using some underhanded tactics to stay ahead.

Then they'd been waiting at a crosswalk, grinning at each other as they waited for the lights to change and let them pass.

And then...

Okay, he lied, he knew when it had happened.

He had been studying Killua, looking at the way the sun haloed him in gold, and wondering when the hell he had gotten so tall. The light had changed, and Killua had grabbed his hand to drag him along. 

After that, they just hadn't let go. 

They'd walked across the road together, neither of them acknowledging it at all, neither of them even looking each other in the eye. When they were safely across, though, with a little smile, Gon had locked his fingers tightly through Killua's and started to run again. 

It was hard to run and laugh and hold hands all at the same time, but they'd managed it. Gon wasn't going to let go until Killua did, and he had a feeling Killua wouldn't. 

It wasn't until they'd reached the apartment building that Gon had started to question it. He wondered if he should say something, if he should ask if it was okay. Would Killua say so if it wasn't?

He sneaked a glance over as they reached the door, smiling when he saw the pink tinge in Killua's cheeks. For someone so confident and talented and self-assured, he sure did get flustered by the smallest things.

“Hey,” Gon said with a smile, watching Killua's head dart his way in a hurry. “Are you okay?”

He hesitated for a moment, but a smile crossed over his lips, and he nodded.

“More than okay.”

Gon pushed the door open and grinned when Kurapika and Leorio both looked up, tugging Killua forward a little and laughing when he stumbled.

“I brought a friend, hope that's okay.”

“Killua!” Leorio grinned, “finally!”

“Sorry to intrude.”

“Intrude? You have a standing invite to show up unannounced at any time, there's no intrusion involved here. How are you, anyway?”

“I'm...” He trailed off, then a soft little smile curled at his lips. “Yeah, I'm pretty good. You?”

“I'm really good, and happy you're here. Come sit down so we can catch up. Do you want something to drink?”

“No thanks, I'm good.”

Gon still didn't bother to drop his hand, leading him through to the couches, and Killua blushed again when Kurapika smirked at them.

“So you two are okay, huh?” he teased, “no one is mad at anyone?”

“Thank you,” Gon grinned, “next time I'll listen to you from the start.”

“Next time?” Killua asked, a little offended. “You're planning on a next time?”

“Next time he gives advice, I didn't mean this specifically.”

“Better not have.”

Leorio sneaked a glance at their linked hands as he sat down, but neither he nor Kurapika said a word about it, so Gon didn't bother to let go. He would keep it there until one of them physically tired and was forced to let go to rest their hand.

Or at least until one of them needed the bathroom.

///


	8. Nerves x & x Names

Killua woke to the increasingly familiar feel of Gon at his side, Killua's laptop perched on his knees, the other hand resting lightly on Killua's waist. His thumb slowly moved back and forth, stroking the little strip of skin that poked out beneath Killua's wrinkled singlet, and his touch gave Killua butterflies. 

“Oi,” he muttered, cracking one eye open.

“Sorry,” Gon pulled his hand away quickly, “wasn't thinking.”

“Put the laptop down.”

The moment he heard it touch the bedside table he reached over, fumbling for Gon's hand.

“I wasn't gonna complain,” he mumbled, as he finally found Gon's warm fingers to lock with his. “I was gonna demand you hold my hand.”

“Sorry,” Gon chuckled, squeezing him a little tighter. “Are you still sleepy?”

“No, I'm good,” Killua yawned a little as he stretched. “Just comfortable.”

He fell onto his back with zero dignity, smiling faintly as he looked up at Gon's face above him, and after a moment Gon lay down beside him. Killua desperately wanted to roll over and hold on to him, to wind every limb through his, but he still feared it was too early for that. He had been the one to initiate the hugs, and the hand holding, so he would be patient. He would let Gon initiate the next one, whatever it might turn out to be.

“Leorio asked if we want to go out for lunch around twelve.”

“What time is it now?”

“Tenish.”

“Yeah, I can get up by then.”

Gon smiled as he sent a reply back, then cast his phone aside to savour his time with Killua.

“Can I ask a dumb question?”

“Yeah,” Killua agreed, glancing over at Gon's face for a hint. “What's up?”

“Do you like me? As more than a friend, I mean.”

“You're right, that was a dumb question,” Killua smiled wryly, holding up their linked hands. “What do you think?”

“I want to hear you say it, though.”

“Yes. I do.”

“No, I mean...”

He trailed off and Killua blushed again, pulling their hands over to rest against his cheek lightly. His throat felt like it had swollen closed, refusing to form words, and after a moment Gon nodded understandingly.

“It's okay,” he assured him, with a little smile. “I know it's hard to say it.”

He rolled over to look at Killua again, and when Killua finally managed to turn his head he found Gon's fingers trailing up and down his bicep.

“No scars,” he mumbled.

“Huh?”

“This is the one you hurt real bad, right?”

“No,” Killua smiled slightly, rolling over. “Other one.”

“Oh.”

The scar was small, admittedly, with the way Killua tended to heal, but there was still a faint white line running around his bicep. It was slightly sunken in, and when Gon felt it he tilted his fingers a little, trailing his nails lightly over it to feel the ridge.

“What did you do to it?”

“Got in a fight.”

“With Alluka around?”

“No, she was in the hotel room. The guy had a friend I didn't know about, they caught me by surprise. It was a dumb mistake.”

“Leorio said it was really bad.”

“It was pretty bad, yeah. I was just in the next city over, so I came here to get him to help. I knew he wouldn't ask questions and stuff.”

“You were embarrassed,” Gon grinned, “you didn't want anyone to know you got hit.”

“Maybe a little,” Killua admitted with a smile. “It's fine now, anyway. He did well. No pain, no problems at all.”

“I'm glad.”

When they locked eyes both of them turned bright red, and they quickly fell onto their backs again, only their hands still linked. Killua closed his eyes and squeezed lightly, smiling when Gon squeezed him back.

“What about you?” he asked quietly. “Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“You know,” Killua mumbled, “do you...?”

“Obviously,” Gon smiled wryly, “but I'm not saying it if you won't.”

“Sorry. I'll get there, I promise.”

“I know.”

///

“Can I ask a dumb question?”

The phrase was starting to grow familiar to Killua now, and he couldn't resist a little smile in response to it.

“Yeah. What's up?”

“Is there anything you don't want me to do?”

Killua considered it for a moment, a little confused by the question in general, then shrugged.

“Like, leave?”

“No, I mean like... Umm...”

His thinking face was adorable, Killua couldn't help but notice.

“Okay, so, when we were running to Leorio's, right?”

“Mm-hm?” Killua reached for Gon's hand, lacing their fingers as he listened.

“That, exactly!” Gon exclaimed, pointing at their linked hands. “I wasn't paying attention, right? And you took my hand, and then it just stuck. And that made me really happy, I was really happy I got to hold your hand.”

“Good,” Killua smiled wryly, “I like it too.”

“But like, if I had tried to do it instead of you, you might have said no, right?”

“Not a chance.”

“Okay but... Maybe, right? I wouldn't know?”

“I guess.”

“So when I want to do something, is there anything you don't want me to do yet? I mostly just want to leave it to you to decide, because I'll probably want it first, right? But sometimes I just really want to do things.”

“Like what?”

“Like when I sit down beside you because you're going to sleep sometimes I want to lean over and kiss your cheek when I say goodnight but I think maybe it's too soon and you won't like it.”

Killua knew his face was burning red at the thought, but still Gon just looked at him with the most sincere expression he'd ever seen in his life. 

“You can,” he stumbled out finally, “if you want.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, but um... Maybe I won't yet, you know? Maybe it'll take me a bit longer to do it back.”

“That's okay!” Gon beamed, “I don't mind if you do it, I just want to!”

“Then yeah, okay. Is there anything else you want to do?”

“Lots of things. Hmm... Um, is other kissing okay? Like, not on the mouth yet I know, but your hand or something?”

“Yeah. You already kissed me on the head once and I didn't complain.”

“Did I?”

“I'm kind of offended that you don't remember. It was the first time I told you how I felt.”

“Oh! When you were being all cute and leaning on me?”

“Shut up.”

“I can't call you cute?”

“No.”

“Aww.”

Gon looked so defeated that Killua almost took it back, and maybe would have if it had lasted a minute longer.

“Your name doesn't make very good nicknames.”

“I know.”

“I might have to try other things. Like... Baby. Or sweetie.”

“No,” Killua said firmly, although he smiled a little all the same. “No pet names.”

“Not even in private?”

“No.”

Gon sighed, and Killua reached out to touch his cheek lightly, gently tugging the corner of his mouth back toward a smile.

“I like hearing you say my name.”

“What?”

“You sound so happy every time,” Killua explained, struggling to find the right words. “I like the way it sounds when you say it.”

“Okay!”

“I hugged you first.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And held your hand first.”

“Uh-huh.”

“So it's your turn. I promised myself you got the next one.”

“Really?”

“Really. Um... You can probably do whatever, I just might not do it back right away.”

“Anything?”

“I think so.”

He immediately raised Killua's hand to his lips, his eyes falling closed as he lightly kissed each worn knuckle in turn. Killua didn't say a word, just watched the look of pure ecstasy written on Gon's face as he memorised the feel of Killua's hand beneath his lips.

“Come here,” Gon demanded, grabbing a handful of Killua's shirt and dragging him in. “More kisses for Killua.”

He grinned at the flush that spread over Killua's pale features again, almost a permanent fixture at this point. The smile only lasted a moment though, before his lips were occupied planting little kisses along Killua's cheek, his jaw, his forehead. Killua squirmed a little when Gon made his way down the side of his neck, but Gon only laughed to himself breathlessly and continued his path. 

“I didn't know you were ticklish, Killua.”

“A little, apparently.”

“Apparently?”

“I found out at the same time you did.”

Gon laughed that same gorgeous, chiming laugh that never failed to make Killua smile like an idiot. He didn't even know it was possible for him to smile so much, to be so happy, but here Gon was teaching him new things once again.

“Killua~?” Gon sung.

“Mm-hm?”

“Do you like me, Killua~?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you gonna say it yet~?”

“No.”

He knew right away that it was going to become a running joke between them, even long after Killua had found the courage to say the words. As much as he wanted to hear them, Killua knew Gon would be satisfied with a simple 'yes' for a long time to come. As long as he never said no, never hesitated, Gon would understand.

“Killua~?”

“Yes?”

“Will you hug me, Killua~?”

“Only if you stop singing everything you say,” Killua smiled softly, reaching out to brush his fingers over Gon's smooth cheek. “Deal?”

“Deal!”

Gon dropped himself into Killua's lap without an ounce of dignity or consideration, plonking his butt on Killua's folded legs and wrapping himself around Killua's torso. Killua laughed at him faintly as he hugged him back, holding him in close, and breathed in Gon's earthy forest smells. Even after a week in the city, Gon still smelled like the wild. And as far as Killua was concerned, that wasn't a bad thing.

“I'm happy,” Gon sighed, closing his eyes and leaning his head on Killua's shoulder lightly. “Just stay here a while, okay?”

“As long as you want.”

“Don't be silly, we'll have to eat eventually.”

“I can last longer than you.”

“Don't be mean, I don't want to be the one who lets go all the time.”

“We'll do it at the same time, then. We'll count down from three and let go together.”

“You'll cheat.”

“I won't if you won't. It'll be like a test of our trust, right?”

“Okay,” Gon agreed, turning his head a little to kiss Killua's neck again. “But not yet.”

“God no, not for hours yet.”

///


	9. End x & x Beginning

“I'm sorry,” Gon repeated. “I know this wasn't how it was meant to go, but Killua needs me, Mito-san. He's my best friend, I can't let him down. I promise I'll do schoolwork too.”

She let out a long sigh, but finally gave up on the debate.

“I can't stop you,” she acknowledged. “You have to do what you think is best.”

“Thank you, Mito-san. I really am sorry. I'll be sure to come back and visit a whole bunch.”

“Take care of yourselves, alright? Don't do anything ridiculous.”

“We won't, I promise.”

He looked over at his backpack as he hung up, with his clothes washed, everything packed and ready to go. The idea of leaving Kurapika and Leorio again was awful, but at the same time he was a little excited. They had one more night in the city, then they'd be moving on to bigger, newer, more interesting places. Kurapika would be heading to his next lead to follow, his next job to perform. Leorio would be back at work and school non-stop. He didn't know exactly where he would be, but he knew Killua would be with him, and that was more than enough.

“I'll miss you,” he said again, over and over, as he hugged Kurapika and Leorio in turn. “I'll be back soon I swear, I can't believe I stayed away so long. You'll never get rid of me next time.”

“You don't have to go,” Leorio reminded him with a little smile. “Stay as long as you like, whenever you like.”

“I'll take you up on that. But for now I should really get back.”

He wasn't a hundred percent sure why he hadn't told them he was going with Killua. It was something to do with protectiveness, he thought. The pair of them would both ask endless questions and give countless warnings.

When he'd arrived, they had no clue he hadn't been talking to Killua.

Leaving, they had no clue they would be together for the foreseeable future.

He would go back to Whale Island regularly to check in with Mito and prove he'd gotten some schoolwork done, so he could pick up any new treasures when he got back. He hoped people would still be sending them, he still liked to know that his friends were thinking of him. 

In the meantime, though, he would be back out in the world. He would be with Killua and Alluka, seeing new places and experiencing new things. He was still in a state of disbelief, thinking about it, and had to constantly remind himself. Reassure himself.

“I'll miss you,” he said one more time, giving them each another big hug. “I'll see you soon.”

As hard as it was to leave, waving until he was well out of sight, he wanted to get back to Killua before it got too late into the night. He was exhausted, honestly, and wanted to get a few hours of sleep in before they left at dawn. The sooner he got back, the more sleep he'd get before he switched out with Killua, to keep him close and safe as he dreamed.

///

Killua was shattered. They'd had a long last-day with Kurapika and Leorio, rushing around to all the places they hadn't yet been, stuffing themselves with all the food they hadn't yet eaten. He had quietly offered to stay longer, to book the hotel for longer, but he and Gon both knew it wouldn't be the same. It had been a week already - longer for Kurapika, who needed to leave. Leorio had missed far too much work and school, too. It was time for them to move on, things couldn't stay the same forever.

They'd be bored if they did, anyway.

He'd gone back a little earlier to be with Alluka, to make sure she was packed and ready and safe. His goodbyes had been just as heartfelt as Gon's, but he knew Gon's would be far more emotional.

“I'm back,” Gon's voice chimed from the door, “did you miss me?”

“Yeah right,” Killua scoffed, despite his little smile. “Welcome back.”

He'd made the mistake of being sat down when Gon got back, and immediately he felt a weight hit him at speed as Gon dove across him on the couch. He sprawled across Killua's legs on his back, his eyes shining as he looked up at Killua, and Killua couldn't resist a smile.

“Why, did you miss me?”

“Yeah,” Gon grinned, making Killua blush. “I always do.”

“Good to know.”

“Are you gonna be my boyfriend?”

“Am I not already?”

“I'm pretty sure you have to ask, you don't just assume it.”

“Oh. Do you want to be my boyfriend, then?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, deal.”

Gon smiled again, warmer than anything Killua ever saw from anyone else, and Killua reached for his hand to squeeze it lightly. 

“Tired?” he asked, when Gon lost a yawn. “You should get some sleep.”

“Yeah, I should. You will too, right? I'll look out for you again.”

“Maybe... Maybe I could come with you.”

“Huh? Really?”

Killua's face was burning, and he couldn't seem to find any words to explain his thought process, but Gon didn't seem to mind. He beamed as he sat up, using their linked hands to drag him off the couch, and led him to the little bedroom. 

The past number of nights, Killua had worked or otherwise engaged himself on the computer while Gon slept, just like he had the first night. They'd swapped out after that, and Killua had slept the second half of the night, with Gon at his side holding his hand or stroking his hair. It had become a familiar pattern, a steady rhythm, but it had left Gon feeling tired, too. He didn't mind sacrificing half his sleep for Killua, but his body wasn't too happy about it. 

“I can stay close to you, right?” Killua asked in a mumble.

“I'd be disappointed if you didn't.”

They kept their backs to each other as they changed, but the moment Killua slid into bed Gon was hugging him, squishing him into his body as Killua laughed. It took them a minute to settle comfortably, to work out how to fit themselves into each other's curves and edges, but every moment of it made Killua smile.

One of Gon's hands roamed to Killua's face, stroking his cheek lightly, and Killua refused to stop and think. He jammed their lips together with no warning, breathless as they kissed, delighted by the hands that gripped tighter at him in the process.

“Killua,” Gon breathed softly.

“I like you, Gon.”

They kissed again, this time a little less desperate and messy, but when they parted Killua found himself giggling stupidly. Gon joined in after a moment, the two of them laughing as they held each other tightly, and Killua dropped his watery eyes to Gon's shoulder.

“I like you, too, Killua. More than I can say.”

The familiar fingers ran through his hair softly, over and over at a gentle pace, and he refused to move for fear of losing the feeling. His own hand was on Gon's back, though, so he slipped it under the singlet, his fingertips drawing little circles and patterns against Gon's skin, and the sigh that came from Gon's lips was the sweetest sound in the world. 

“We should go to sleep,” Gon said quietly, “or we'll get carried away and not sleep at all.”

“I don't mind,” Killua mumbled, but closed his eyes obediently. “I can stay here, right?”

“I'd be disappointed if you didn't. I'll look after you all night, I promise.”

“I know you will.”

“And I'll try not to get in your way when we move on.”

“You won't. If anything happens, I'll look out for you.”

“Yeah, I know,” Gon smiled, closing his eyes and leaning his cheek against Killua's enticingly soft hair. “I know you will.”

“Goodnight, Gon.”

“Sweet dreams, Killua.”

/// fin ///

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/SaysiOnTwit) and support my writing endeavors or find my other social links etc [here](https://www.saysiwrites.info)


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